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God-bothering

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January has come fast and I notice a change in the light already. When I lived in Perthshire, we all longed for January 25th. Besides being Burns Night, it was the date when the sun, after laying low in the horizon for months, finally made its way over Birnam Hill, shining glorious weak, watery light into the village. The dark days of rainy gloom and dark skies would soon be over. I still hold this date in my heart even though the winters here bring blue skies and crisp pale sunlight. The coyotes are not as active these nights but the deer have emerged from their hiding places to nibble on spruce buds. I see them at 3 am if I am awake. They are not skittish at this time of year and we carefully stare at each other as I stand on the porch, wrapped in my shawl. I walk back inside, close the door quietly, and they resume their slow, meditative chewing on the edge of the dark forest. I've been thinking a lot these days about the wondrous beauty of this world. I have to. I must. If I do...
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Good To Be Home

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I wake each morning this week feeling unsettled. My nightly dreamscape has turned frantic, sometimes violent, with kidnapping, death threats, chase scenes that involve what seems to be every single person I've ever met. I wake exhausted, confused as to what day it is. I rise, feed the dogs, go outside, stretch, inhale, exhale, look skywards, stand still, do a couple of tai chi moves. The forest is silent now except for the chickadees and brown creepers and nuthatches. A lone blue jay sits on the fence post, resplendent, majestic in its cloak of flashing azure blue. I miss the summer sounds already but I settle into this new quiet. I still feel rattled, though. It is Thanksgiving weekend. It is the one holiday in the calendar year that can stir angst, anxiety, apprehension within me. I think back to my younger self in 1976, arriving in Canada from Glasgow, unaware of what Thanksgiving was. It would be our first holiday to celebrate in this vast, unknown, country. My family dismissed...
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Betwixt and Between

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September 14, 2005  7:20 am Yesterday, I said to my dear friend, T, that I could easily live through a year's worth of late summer and early autumn. The deep, cornflower blue summer sky has watered down to a paler version of itself, with cool, diffused sunlight dancing through chestnut trees. Soft shafts of light brighten my kitchen with slow moving shadows. It has been an unhurried, steady summer for us. Incrementally, Frank grows smaller, slower, his energy dwindles along with his sharp-as-a-tack memory and his high-spirited wit. But his determination remains the same. Fuck this shit!'  he sometimes says. I'm not ready to die yet. Well, don't then, you crazy fool!' I answer back. And we laugh and laugh and laugh. And   he bravely carries on. The vegetable garden went to hell this year because of the drought. I speak to other gardeners and we bond over this climate tragedy, relieved in one sense that it's not due to our poor gardening skills. Save for a rather ...
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One Star At A Time

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August 24, 2025 8:25 a.m.  I wake at 3 am and lay still for 20 minutes, hoping to fall asleep again. The river has run dry from the drought and with the water almost gone, I hear nothing other than a solitary barred owl calling from deep in the forest. Usually I can hear the fast moving currents of the river around the island behind the house. Most often I can hear loons or echoes of ducks in the estuary. I think of the trout, the pickerel, the gaspereau, the eels, the birds, the muskrat, the beaver, the river otter. I think of the countless forms of life that rely solely on our beautiful river. I have been away from here for almost two weeks and, in that time, the waterfalls up river have vanished. Nothing is left of their presence but the enormous brown rocks that form the fast-moving eddies and pools that the kayakers and fishermen like so much. This climate catastrophe deeply frightens me. It is hard to imagine the future devastation that we are in for. There is no sleep for me...
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A World of Motion and Distance

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  June 22, 2025, 8.40 a.m. Last night as I took the laundry off the washing line, I heard a high pitched shriek from above. I looked up past the pines and the oak tree, through the verdant green and up into the cobalt blue sky, and I saw an Osprey, circling directly overhead. It spiraled upwards, riding the thermal updrafts, those sultry pockets of rising warm air. I watched until I could no longer see it. Goodbye, I whispered. This morning, at 5:50 a.m., the Osprey's call woke me from a deep, dream-filled sleep. It was so close, overhead my window, that I heard the flap of its wings. I laid still in wonderment, holding my breath. Osprey, Canada Goose, Loon, Great Blue Heron, Common Merganser: the sounds of the river from my bed. It is the earth being itself and I am here to observe, acknowledge, listen, love. Life gives to life; there is nothing to fear. We live in a world of motion and distance. The heart flies from tree to bird, from bird to distant star, from star to love; and ...
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Be Gentle, My Love

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  June 12, 2025, 9:40 a.m. A dark, dark morning with torrential rain and intense wind. I pull back the curtain and lay in bed and watch the tall white pines sway back and forth. A sudden flash of light and moments later a low rumble. Thunder. I love a good thunderstorm, especially while in bed. This storm is unexpected and I have a sudden realization that the kettle is empty. A thunder storm in this neck of the woods usually means a power outage. The grid is very fragile here. Our water supply is run by a deep well water pump and no power means no water. I get up and quickly head to the kitchen, fill the kettle and the washing up basin, just to be safe. Rhubarb stands by the kitchen door but refuses to go outside for her morning pee. She is a magnificent swimmer in the lakes and the rivers but the rain frightens her. A clap of thunder and she runs back to the safety of the couch. She sits up straight, wide-eyed. I sit next to her. It's OK, my love, you're safe. I'm here. Ss...
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Death Comedy Hour

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June 10, 7:30 a.m. I wake and it is dark. I reach out, open the curtain and see twinkling, shimmering, golden light through the stand of old pine trees. It is just dawn. My eyes are heavy from a dream-filled sleep. Feels like I've been busy throughout the night with various characters and unexpected plot twists. I want to get up even though it's still an hour and half until Frank's first medication dose of the day. Instead, I lay still. Listening. Thinking. It's been furiously hot these past forty eight hours. We retreat into the house each day by 11 a.m., with blinds down, curtains drawn, windows closed. While it spikes to 40c outside, it remains 24c inside our darkened cave. It's been too hot to cook. For the last two days we have lived on our first strawberry harvest, salad from the garden, sourdough bread with butter and jam, hot dogs, ice cream sandwiches. We have drunk 4 litres of lemonade so far. By nightfall, the inside of the house reaches 28 c. It is cool ...
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